


Fate, In Time

by triplequad



Series: When In Time [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Alternative Universe - Kingdom, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Modern Royalty, Romance, Shoma-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 08:37:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14375004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triplequad/pseuds/triplequad
Summary: Shoma and Yuzuru share a love so forbidden that life brings them apart for it, but fate finds a way for them to fight through it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \- modern!royalty au  
> \- mostly unbeta-ed
> 
> a/n 1: you're free not to read the [first part of the series](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14264268/chapters/32898420%C2%A0) to understand this since I did my best to make this as a standalone, but some parts will be make more sense if you do so asfghgfdsdfghjk
> 
> a/n 2: I am aware that Alina is a minor but before you get mad at me, I swear there's a reason why I chose her for this story. If you're not comfortable with reading her in a fanfic, you're free not to read this one, I understand. But please understand that this just fanfiction, it's not real! ^^;

 

_“Yuzuru, no!” Shoma screams, as he tries to pry his arm away from Yuzuru's grip. With his unoccupied hand he grabs Yuzuru's arm that was on him to push him away, only for Yuzuru to grab it and pull him further into the gardens. “Stop resisting.” He says with finality._

_Stubborn, Shoma still resists the hold with all his might even if with Yuzuru's strength, he knows it's futile. As they reached the fountain, Yuzuru's grip on Shoma loosened and he pulls his arm away from him, a scowl on his face._

_He stares hard at Yuzuru, who stares back at him with intense blankness on his eyes. Shoma cannot decipher what it may mean, and with every growing second he grows angrier at it._

_“What do you want Yuzuru?” Shoma says, as he turns away to scowl at the bushes instead. It was a beautiful night, the breeze flowing steadily between them with the moon shining brightly above them. Too bad Shoma can't appreciate the view for his emotions are overpowering everything else in his body._

_He startles when Yuzuru's hand suddenly come up to grasp at his arms, forcing Shoma to face him. “Look at me.”_

_“No, Yuzuru! What are you doing?!”_

_“We need to talk Shoma.”_

_“Now you're talking to me by first name basis?”_

_“Please keep it down, others might hear you.”_

_At Yuzuru's plea, Shoma never thought that he'd get angrier but he did. Pent up emotions suddenly drained out of him, unable to filter out the thoughts that has been plaguing his mind since._

_“You drag me out here in the middle of the night to talk and expect me not to go hysterical? When the last thing that we have talked about is my feelings for you—”_

_“And I haven't stopped thinking about you ever since.”_

_He finds his breath suddenly hitching in his throat, chest unexplainably tight. Shoma stares at Yuzuru's eyes and if he found blankness from before, he now sees desperation in them, staring back at him intensely. Shoma doesn't understand, it's as if his mind refuses to._

_In the intensity of their stares, they elected to ignore the rustling of the bushes accompanied by the rushed padding of feet. Someone might have heard them, they're not sure, but at that moment, they didn't care._

_“What?” He whispers in the air, as Yuzuru brings a hand to hold Shoma at his lower back, before pulling him in closer. In the sudden pull Shoma finds his hands on Yuzuru's shoulders, eyes widening at the sudden proximity between them._

_“I haven't stopped thinking about you Shoma.” Yuzuru repeats, and at that moment when Shoma will think about it later on, he will berate himself for allowing happiness to surge in his heart, because the next words broke it in a split second._

_“But I can't. I just can't allow myself to love you.”_

 

//

 

Since birth, the responsibility of being the crown prince has been repeatedly instilled in his mind. He quickly grown used to it, and he quickly got tired of it too; but being the crown prince is a responsibility that Shoma knows he has to carry for the rest of his life.

_Crown Prince Shoma Uno, son to King Daisuke Takahashi from the Eastern Kingdom of Japan._

It was something that he didn't choose to have, it's a responsibility that was given to him at birth by connection to blood. Shoma can't say that he hates the piled up expectation and pressure that is constantly put on his shoulders for being the next in line for the throne, but he can't say that he likes it either.

There were too many pretenders to the throne, too many people who desire to achieve the power that the royal family has for their own personal gain. Ever since he was young, his father had always told him to be wary of others, even if they seem to be accommodating to him for everyone always as a hidden agenda for the crown.

Shoma doesn't remember much of his mother for they have lost her when she gave birth to his sister Mai, but the one thing that the servants will tell him that she always say whenever he asks them about her, are the words “take care of what you have, you'll never know when it will disappear.”

Weird words to always say to the people around you and Shoma doesn't know how truthful the servants can be to a kid like him,but he takes it.

With the words of his father to be wary of others and of his mother to take care of what he has at the moment, at a young age Shoma started to unconsciously train himself to be a crown prince.

With the awareness that he holds a certain amount of power over someone else comes the realization of the king that as his son grows, more and more people will get interested with the crown. He has to guard his son well, make the place around him more secured.

Shoma meets Yuzuru when he was fifteen.

At that age, Shoma has already shown tremendous and endless potential to be the next king of Japan. He has grown to be a fine young prince, unapproachable at first glance but actually has a kind heart that he shows to his sister on a daily basis.

The servants around him move in ease, aware of the prince's tendencies to be guarded and to be wary of the people around him although they know that he has a good soul. They understood that it was the precautions he have in becoming a crown prince.

Yuzuru Hanyu back then, didn't understand the precautions that Shoma had.

Fresh from the academy of royal guards, eighteen year old Yuzuru found himself confused during his first meeting with the prince. He didn't expect for the prince to be all friendly at him in first glance, but he at least expected for the prince to be civil, only to be met with a blankness in his stare.

“Shoma, this is Yuzuru Hanyu. He will be your personal guard from now on.”

Yuzuru bows deeply and when he brings himself up, he gives the prince a smile that was only responded with a nod. Yuzuru was confused, but he didn't mind it. He was here for a job.

At that point, Shoma will never admit that he didn't understand the need of his father to give him a personal guard. He didn't understand back then that there were too many people interested in his position. All he thought was that he was doing fine, he doesn't need more people to be wary of.

But it seems like Shoma doesn't even have to make an effort to make himself comfortable in Yuzuru's presence, because Yuzuru himself unknowingly worked his way into the heart of the prince.

“Why are you always giving people blank stares your highness?”

“Why do you avoid conversation with other people as much as you can your highness?”

“Why do you look so uncomfortable at social gatherings your highness?”

Shoma thought that he has mastered the art of being subtle with his wariness at other people, but he guesses not with the way on how Yuzuru has properly observed him.

Yuzuru was in no way disrespectful, but his wordings clearly show his concern to the prince, on why he acts in a certain way at people. Shoma is hesitant to tell him why at first, but he finds his resolve melting when he catches Yuzuru's worried gaze at him from time to time.

“I was taught to be wary of people, to be careful with them.”

“It's not your job to be conscious of people and think if they're a threat to you, it's mine. Let me do my job your highness, let me take care of you.”

It was easy for Shoma to put his trust and faith in Yuzuru after that.

Yuzuru is the best friend that Shoma never had, the only person that he can wholeheartedly say he trusts his life with. Yuzuru has proved to Shoma from time to time that he is reliable and understanding, and that he is always present whenever needed.

It wasn't hard for Shoma to find himself falling in love with Yuzuru.

Shoma felt that Yuzuru was the only one who truly understood him, who truly cares, the only one that he can fully trust without the need to build up a wall of wariness.

He never thought much on things that he might lose, the things and the people that might be gone in a blink of an eye. He never had someone so dear to him that holds such importance in his heart, but Shoma realizes that Yuzuru has taken up that role, that Yuzuru is the one that he cannot bear to lose in his life.

 

//

 

It has been two years since Nathan's first arrival in their kingdom, one year since he came back to Japan, and Shoma has never been happier for his sister.

Mai has a gentle heart, a kind soul; someone who provides comfort in her most unexpected ways. She is a true princess in any thinkable way, regardless of what she had thought of herself in the first place. Shoma remembers struggling to communicate with his sister, having a hard time in making her realize that being a princess isn't just following what the public tells you to be, but to have a heart of gold that will give help and comfort whenever in need.

He mentally chuckles at the thought, finding it amusing that he never realized that the only way to make the princess realize her true importance is the arrival of a certain young diplomat.

At first glance, Shoma will admit that he was extra wary of Nathan. He is the son of Rafael Arutunian, the notorious manipulative diplomat who will do anything to make everything be in favor for the west. The royal family isn't exactly hostile at them, as Daisuke has taught Shoma to treat them in the most civil way possible.

He had planned to be as civil as he can at a distance with Nathan, but he later on admits to himself that he grew impressed with how Nathan brought himself, very differently from his father. Shoma even found himself giving Nathan the benefit of the doubt, when he saw how much the young diplomat cared for his sister.

Shoma was known in the palace as the royal sibling who always show wariness and caution around people, but as Shoma allowed Mai to trust in Nathan, he also trusted him to make the right decision. And yes, Nathan did.

A year later after Nathan came back from America, Shoma recalls how Mai had a hard time dealing with the fact that Nathan was in trouble, knowing that there were talks on stripping him from the ranks of being the possible next in line for Rafael Arutunian's position as the senior diplomat. Shoma remembers gripping his sister's hand in his, comforting her that everything will be alright.

There might be miracles after all because after a full year of having no confirmation on what happened, Nathan comes back in Mai's life with the news that they have given him his father's position, he is now the senior diplomat to the Eastern Kingdom.

At the present moment right in front of him, Shoma smiles at Nathan and Mai who is almost sharing a seat with how close they are with each other, hands clasped tight in between them as they share whispers of their conversations between them.

It's almost like a dream to Mai to have Nathan safe and sound with her, and to have him permanently reside in Japan. Shoma is so, so happy for his sister.

“There are ants everywhere.”

Mai gently moves herself away from Nathan, hand still in his but her body faced towards her brother who was lounging on the single couch in front of them with his legs crossed. “Huh? What was that Shoma?”

The prince playfully rolls his eyes as he untangles his legs. “You guys are too sweet, it's sickening. There are ants everywhere from your cheesiness.”

Nathan laughs out loud as Mai blushes into a deep red, avoiding Shoma's teasing smile and Nathan's loud laughter. Mai finds herself being pulled into Nathan's arms, as he winds an arm around her shoulders to put a kiss on her head. Shoma acts as if he'll puke at the display of affection.

“Shoma, please let your sister live.” Shoma grins at Nathan, relaxed at the fact that he had grown closer to the young diplomat enough for them to talk in first-name basis. Shoma looks at his sister to see her blush subsiding, but a smile now graces her lips. Mai is happy, and Shoma is happy that she is.

The sound from the television distracted them as they all turned to the side to see what was on the news, Shoma grabbing the remote beside him to turn the volume up. Currently on the screen are a series of clips showcasing Nathan and Mai during their public appearances together, highlighting their relationship and how they got together a year ago when Nathan surprised Mai in front of her university.

“They're such a sweet couple, you should've seen them a year back!” The female commentator gushes, effectively making Mai blush once more. At the corner of his eye, Shoma catches Nathan bringing up Mai's hand that was in his nearer to his lips, to leave a soft kiss on her hand. Shoma smiles at the sweet act.

“Oh definitely! It was like a prince charming escorting his princess to the ball, senior diplomat Nathan Chen and royal princess Mai Mihara really do fit the part!”

“Turn it off, it's embarrassing.” Mai grumbles in embarrassment after hearing the reply of the male commentator to the female commentator.

He gives his sister a shrug with a short laugh, shaking his head at her embarrassment as he watches Mai hide her face on Nathan's neck. Nathan's hold around her shoulder tightens as he rubs his hand on her arm up and down to soothe her.

Shoma then turns the off the television, enveloping the room in silence. It was nowhere near uncomfortable, but a good conversation somewhere is good for Mai to stop being embarrassed.

“You know, I'm really happy for you guys.” Shoma finds himself saying.

At her brother's words, Mai pulls herself away once more from Nathan to stare at Shoma, smiling softly at him. “Thank you.” She tells him, almost in a whisper. “You helped a lot in getting us together, I hope you know that.”

Shoma grins at her, and nods his head in response. “I'm eternally grateful for your kindness Shoma, you helped me to be comfortable during my stay here for the first time, you helped me to adjust with the culture and the language when it was decided that I would be living here permanently.” Nathan says, pausing to look at Mai before nodding once at each other, hands never letting go. “You helped us to become happy, we want you to be happy too.”

They stare at him expectantly, as if anticipating for Shoma to respond to the message behind their gazes. Shoma grows confused at this, not understanding what they meant.

He stares at Nathan who suddenly becomes conscious and looks behind them at the door of the room, letting his gaze linger for a few seconds to assure themselves that the three of them are alone. Once properly assured, he turns to Mai for them to share a nod once more before looking back at Shoma. The prince stares at him in confusion.

“How are things? With you and Yuzuru?”

Shoma drops any expression that he had, face now a mask of blankness. Even without proper context but judging from Nathan's actions prior and the tone that he used, he was asking how Shoma and Yuzuru are, how are they coping up with the feelings messily shared between them. He has no idea how Nathan knew, he trusted Mai that she didn't tell him, and with every growing second that he has no idea, Shoma grows uneasy, angry.

He wills his heart to calm down at the mere mention of his name, angry at himself for reacting very obviously. Nathan and Mai look at him with sadness in their eyes, and Shoma grows annoyed at every passing second because of it.

“How,” he pauses, swallowing raggedly before continuing. “How did you know, about me and Yuzuru?” Shoma asks very softly, too quietly, directing the question to Nathan. As if ashamed to have the question directed at him, Nathan finds himself staring away from Shoma's unknowingly weak gaze before answering.

“You might not remember it since this happened around two years ago, but Yuzuru confronted you at the garden? And I was there, with Mai.”

Shoma remembers, he clearly remembers. He averts his eyes away from them, as the memories of that night come in flooding to his senses. Yuzuru forcing Shoma to talk to him, Yuzuru telling Shoma that he hasn't stopped thinking about Shoma confessing his feelings, Yuzuru unknowingly giving Shoma a sense of hope only for the feeling to come crashing down when he told Shoma that he couldn't bring himself to love him back.

Shoma remembers the pain, the heartache, the endless task of trying to go through the days as if nothing had happened that night. It was hard for Shoma, and try as he might for him to forget that night, he couldn't. It was a reminder that they were long overdue of an explanation, of a proper conversation about it.

“We—”

“We know you're not okay, Shoma.”

He snaps his head to glare at Mai who was now staring at him with intensity in her eyes, an emotion non-existent from what she had a moment before.

“We know that you're not okay, Shoma.” Mai repeats, staring at Shoma with finality to let her say her words first. “You're not as subtle as you are Shoma. We can see how desperate you are, we can see that you're still longing for him. It's been years. What's the problem?”

He scoffs out loud at her words, rolling his eyes for added effect. “There is no problem.”

“There is, if you're acting like that Shoma.” Nathan fires back.

Irritation grew more in Shoma's chest, annoyed at the fact that he has to talk about his feelings, his feelings that had brought him too much grief after knowing that Yuzuru refuses to try and love him back. Everyday, Shoma is sick and tired of having to deal with his own feelings, and annoyance grew in him that he even has to explain himself to Nathan and Mai.

“Well what do you want me to say? That I'm still in love with him? That even many years later he still has a hold in my heart? That I desperately try to hold myself off because he told me himself that he can't even try to love me back?”

Awkward silence enveloped the room after Shoma's outburst, and he spends the next few moments of silence to berate himself for what he has said.

Lost in his own thoughts, Shoma fails to see Mai approaching him and only recognizes her presence when she took a seat beside him, putting a hand on his arm for comfort. He looks up at Mai to see sympathy and sadness falling out from her eyes, and at that moment Shoma felt himself slowing melting, breaking down, unable to hold his feelings anymore.

Shoma feels the tears falling out of his eyes and it was too late for him to feel embarrassment for it as at the next second, Mai suddenly pulls him into a tight hug.

“We hope you get to talk to him Shoma. You deserve to be happy too.”

Shoma sadly smiles into her embrace, putting his arms around her to hold her tight along with his tears that he desperately attempts to put into bay.

 

//

 

The walk towards the king's office is painfully quiet.

It wasn't like this before; but ever since their aborted conversation of over two years ago, Yuzuru had started accompanying Shoma everywhere he goes with quiet footsteps and an even quieter mouth. If before they would take the time to talk about anything and everything while they are on their every destination, now it seems like Shoma isn't even walking with anyone as Yuzuru walks behind him in silence.

Shoma gives himself a chance to look back at Yuzuru only to see him walking almost too mechanically, arms as stiff as ever on his sides, face expressionless with his eyes staring blankly ahead. Yuzuru was never like this before, but it's as if the change between them gave him the choice to do his work at an arm's length unlike before.

A few meters away from their destination, Shoma abruptly stops in his step, turning around to look at Yuzuru. He doesn't know what expression he's making but judging from the fact that there's a change in Yuzuru's face—from blankness to softness— Shoma guesses that his face is reflecting what his heart feels, a face expressing sadness.

“Yuzu.” He whispers, too quiet, as if he's afraid to break the silence that has settled upon him. Shoma takes a step forward, immediately stopping when he sees Yuzuru stiffen for a split second before immediately forcing himself to relax. Shoma can feel his heart breaking, the comfort that they had before was gone. It was at that moment that Shoma thinks that maybe things would've been better if he didn't tell Yuzuru what he was feeling.

When he told Yuzuru of his feelings for him, at the back of his mind Shoma knew that it was very risky and very careless of him to do so. A crown prince falling in love with his guard, it's a headline that tabloids would feast upon. Shoma told Yuzuru in faith that he would understand, in faith that maybe he felt the same, in faith that maybe they could go against all odds and love one another even in an unaccepting society.

Shoma realizes back then that he was thinking too foolishly, too immaturely. Shoma didn't account that Yuzuru would say no, would tell him that even if what he felt was reciprocated, that he cannot just love him back the same way as Shoma does.

It's been too long but Shoma still feels the same way, and he doesn't know what does Yuzuru feel anymore.

“Yuzu,” he whispers, heart wrenching at the use of the nickname. He stares at the ground, unable to lift his eyes to look at Yuzuru. “we're okay, right?”

When he was met with silence that lasted too long, Shoma forces himself to lift his head, scared but desperate enough to know Yuzuru's answer. The softness in Yuzuru's eyes didn't fade, but instead it was paired with a sad smile. Yuzuru takes a few steps towards the prince, and Shoma stands still with his breath stuck in his throat, high anticipation running through his veins.

Slowly, Yuzuru brings a hand up to reach for Shoma's wrist; close, intimate, but not enough. He just holds Shoma's wrist gently, thumb stroking softly as he stares down at where their skins are touching. Shoma looks at Yuzuru, patiently waiting for what his next action may be, praying for time to stop and to let them bask in the moment.

It must have been minutes, hours, Shoma doesn't care, but Yuzuru lets go of his wrist a little too soon, staring back up at him, sadness still reflected on his face. Yuzuru gives Shoma a small nod, flashing a small smile at him.

“We're okay as we can be, Your Highness.”

Shoma sadly smiles back at Yuzuru, breath still stuck in his throat. It's an answer that he believes the both of them doesn't want, but it's an answer that the both of them has to be satisfied with.

Yuzuru takes a step back, schooling his face back into a blankness as he breathes deeply, sharply nodding at Shoma once with a hand extended towards the king's room.

“If you may lead the way, Your Highness.”

The prince wills the ragged beating of his heart to calm down, before turning around to walk towards the door of the king's office. “Don't go anywhere. Wait for me until I finish my business here.” He commands, as Yuzuru nods sharply once again, before opening the door for Shoma.

As soon as the door shuts close behind him, Shoma releases a deep breath from his chest. He can feel the sadness and desperation for Yuzuru still lingering in his chest, but he forces himself to stop, to calm down. There is no time for sadness in a schedule of a prince, sadly.

He walks further into the room towards the study room of the king, nodding once at the guard stationed by the door. The guard opens the door for him, and Shoma is greeted with the usual sight of his father going through documents.

“You called for me, father?”

Daisuke's head shoots up at the greeting of his son, as he schools his face into a pleasant smile. Shoma smiles back at him, although civilly and admittedly a bit tiredly.

“Sit down. Have you eaten? Rested well? I can ask someone to bring us food as we talk.” The king asks as the prince takes the seat before him. Shoma just politely smiles at his father, shaking his head to decline the offer as polite as he can.

“No, it's fine. I rested well enough and I already ate before coming here.”

Daisuke nods at his son's response as he leans back to recline at his chair. He brings a hand up just under his face, face making an obvious expression that Shoma knows is to mean that he was in deep thought of how to say something that he knows his son would not approve of. Shoma furrows his eyebrows at this, confused, but getting a little bit impatient.

“What did you call me for, father?”

The king flashes him a smile meant to calm him down, and Shoma gets disturbed with every growing second. “I'm glad that your sister has someone like senior diplomat Nathan Chen in her life.” He starts with a hand waving in the air.”

“Well, yes. Mai deserves to be ha—”

“I think it's time for you to find someone in your life too.”

Shoma loses all tension in his body as he stares at his father's face in disbelief. They have never talked about Shoma's lack of interest in romantic affairs, and he is sure that the king knows nothing of what has happened between him and his guard.

“What do you mean, I don't understand?”

“A princess will be coming in a few weeks. I'd like for you to become acquaintances with her.”

He squints his eyes at this, and everything suddenly becomes crystal clear to Shoma. He scoffs at his father who was now sporting a serious look in his eyes, an expression that clearly states that he was the king, and he should be followed. But Shoma is stubborn, and he refuses to back down without an explanation.

“Are you trying to set me up, your highness?”

Shoma watches as Daisuke's eye twitches at his statement, obviously aware that the prince calling him by his royal position means that he was mad at him. The king flashes a smile at his son, pleasant enough but with an underlying message of command in it.

“If that's how you want to see it, then I'm not stopping you.”

Daisuke watches as Shoma suddenly stands up, anger reflected in his eyes even if a civil smile was on his face. Daisuke was reminded that even if Shoma has followed everything he has told him as the crown prince, the fact remains that he's his son, and that they're both stubborn as ever.

“I'd like to think of it as you're setting me up, and I'd like to tell you that my answer is no.”

Shoma walks out of the door of the study room without waiting for an answer, knowing that his father won't give him one. He wretches open the main door in anger, and was greeted by Yuzuru's surprised face.

He doesn't wait for a response. He couldn't look at Yuzuru's face anyway without being reminded that the king was basically setting him up with a princess just a few minutes ago.

“Let's go Yuzuru.”

 

//

 

Shoma knows that he's been pushing Yuzuru away.

Judging from the fact that Yuzuru has been giving him concerned glances repeatedly from time to time, Yuzuru has also been staying closer to him, either by his immediate side or by the door to his room, available in his every call of assistance.

Shoma wishes for Yuzuru to be always close to him most of the time, but he knows that Yuzuru is only like that ever since Shoma has stepped out of the king's room angrily.

He clenches his hand angrily at the memory of his father apparently setting him up, crumpling the paper that he had in his hands. As he is lost in his own thoughts with his hand unknowingly shaking in anger, Yuzuru places a gentle touch on Shoma's hand, effectively calming Shoma down in an instant. He stares up from his seat to see Yuzuru slightly towering over him, with a gentle concerned smile plastered on his face. “Are you alright, your highness?”

Shoma feels his heart constricting in his chest, reminded once again that he was a prince and that his father the king was setting him up with a princess against his will. He pulls his hand away from Yuzuru's touch, ignoring the frown that was sent along his way.

“I'm fine.” He briefly says.

Yuzuru frowns at this, standing straight to stare at Shoma with apprehensive eyes. He knows he hasn't been acting as normal as he could be, but Shoma feels frustrated at the things that are happening. He feels helpless, hopeless, and he's frustrated at the fact that if he can't help himself, then more so that Yuzuru has no way of alleviating his frustration. He couldn't tell him, of course he can't. Even if Shoma isn't sure of what are Yuzuru's feelings, but telling him that a princess was coming as a possible future spouse for him is just unbearable. Shoma feels that if he is to tell Yuzuru himself, then he's accepting the fact that he is powerless in the situation, that this will make them drift apart even further, that they can never be together.

“I know that we haven't talked much,” Yuzuru says, pausing to make sure that Shoma was listening even if he wasn't looking back at him. “but you've been acting much more differently ever since you walked out of the king's room. Did something happen Shoma?”

The prince stands up in frustration, running a hand through his hair as he walks towards the window, facing away from Yuzuru. Shoma feels Yuzuru taking a few steps closer behind him; not close enough, but far enough to give space.

“I said it's fine. It's the usual, the king giving me more stress than I can handle.”

Shoma waits for an answer, a retort, comforting words, anything. But Shoma wasn't expecting to receive a warm hug from behind, Yuzuru's arms tightening around his waist in response when he stiffens in his embrace.

“What—”

“Breathe for a moment Shoma, just breathe for me.”

He doesn't know what to do, he didn't expect to receive affection instead of words. Shoma is torn if he should lean towards Yuzuru's embrace, mind filled with thoughts of the king's plans of setting him up with another. His heart was at peace, but his mind was in chaos.

Shoma feels Yuzuru's face nearer at his head, and Shoma is sure that a ghost of a kiss was left on the back of his head. Before he even got a chance to pull away, Shoma places his hands on top of Yuzuru's that was on his waist, bringing the both of them closer than ever.

“I'm sorry if I keep adding myself to your worries. I just couldn't help it. I don't want to see you in constant pain and stress.”

Silence continues to be shared between them as Shoma chose not to respond to what Yuzuru had said, opting to just tighten his hold in his hands.

If before Shoma wasn't sure what Yuzuru had felt back then, now he was certain that Yuzuru still feels the same, only that he doesn't allow himself to feel it, to bask and indulge in the feeling in every breathing second, unlike Shoma.

Selfish, or may selfless? Shoma doesn't want to think about it.

The realization that they still share the same feelings only makes the sadness in Shoma's heart dig deeper and grow larger.

When he feels Yuzuru slowly letting go, Shoma holds tightly onto Yuzuru's hands, forcing him not to let go of his embrace. Yuzuru willingly follows, arms tightening once more around Shoma, lips once again placing a soft kiss on the back of Shoma's head. Selfish.

“Just this once, don't let go yet, please.”

No. This time, it was Shoma who was selfish.

 

//

 

Princess Alina Zagitova from the Northern Kingdom of Russia comes a week later.

It doesn't take a genius to know that Shoma was seething in anger. At first glance anyone can see that she's young, too young; and Shoma angrily clenches his fist as he watch his father the king take a step forward to welcome the princess along with her entourage.

“Welcome, Princess Alina. We hope you may find comfort during your stay here.” Daisuke says, offering a small bow. Alina returns the gesture with a polite smile and a curtsey.

At the corner of his eye Shoma sees Nathan reaching for Mai's hand, holding it tight in his. Emotions are high, everyone is tense. The people know what are the implications behind the visit, and is watching the every move of the crown prince.

Shoma continues to watch as Nathan whispers a few words to Mai, probably to comfort, because Mai had been worried for Shoma ever since she found out the night before.

 

_“You agreed to this?”_

_“Of course not.”_

_“Then why are they still coming?”_

_“Do you think I have it in me to stop the plans of the king?”_

_“But you're the crown prince! You—”_

_“This isn't some fairytale Mai. Just because you got your happy ending it doesn't mean that I'll get mine too.”_

 

It was a sore topic, and Shoma knows that Mai mean no harm. She was only concerned for her brother's life, and for his feelings for a certain guard. Shoma should probably apologize to Mai for snapping at her, but he was too busy trying to bury away the feelings of apprehension and fear for what might happen once he meets the princess.

He watches as Nathan continues to whisper words of comfort to Mai, both hands rubbing soothingly on Mai's hand that was in his. Shoma tries to ignore the pain in his chest at the sore reminder that at least Nathan and Mai had each other, but Yuzuru is right behind him witnessing everything. _'what can he be thinking?’_

Daisuke gestures a hand, signalling for the royal siblings to take a step forward. Mai drops Nathan's hand to meekly take a step forward, as Shoma follows reluctantly, feeling Yuzuru's presence behind him follow him just a step behind. He tries not to cringe at it, opting to school his face into impassiveness instead.

“This is my son, Crown Prince Shoma Uno, and my daughter Princess Mai Mihara. The prince will be the one to accompany you during your stay here.”

Alina flashes the both of them a smile, along with a curtsey. Shoma and Mai bows back in return.

She's beautiful, that's a physical fact that Shoma will not deny. But she also look very young, even younger than Shoma himself who was just in his early twenties, or even Mai who was just two years younger than him. Shoma tries not to think much of what her age might be, it's irrelevant for him to think of such things at the moment when he already had his guards up from her.

“I hope we may be of acquaintances during my stay here, your highness.“ Alina says flashing him a smile. Shoma tries not to roll his eyes, irritation growing with every passing second. He wants nothing of what's happening at the moment.

“We'll see what will happen, princess.”

He takes a step back as he watches Daisuke lead the way for Alina and her entourage, following behind them from a distance. Shoma gives himself a chance to take a look behind him, to see how Yuzuru is taking in everything.

Expressionless, that's all he sees. Yuzuru wasn't looking at him and was staring straight ahead instead, body posture as stoic as ever. Shoma looks away, trying to put the disappointment that he felt at bay. What exactly did he wanted to see? What exactly does he want Yuzuru to feel?

_'Does he even care?’_

 

//

 

Eating dinner has never been so awkward for Shoma; but at the moment he finds himself beside Mai and Nathan, and across Alina as they share awkward lapses of silence over dinner together with Daisuke.

The silence was almost deafening, save from the occasional clanking of utensils and plates on the table. His father kept on glancing over at Shoma's direction, as if prompting him to start a conversation. Shoma pointedly ignores this as he stares at his food instead, quietly eating.

Shoma knows that he's acting like a stubborn child, very improper of how a prince should be. But he can't even bring himself to be civil at Alina, for he knows what the underlying meaning of her visit is, and Shoma just doesn't accept it. Shoma had said yes to everything his father had told him to do and to handle, but to interfere with his romantic interests is angering Shoma.

He knows that political matches happen, but Shoma didn't expect that his father would do it to him.

Daisuke clears his throat, flashing Alina a smile as he pauses from his meal. “So Princess Alina, can you tell us more about yourself?”

She smiles at his request, putting down her utensils very gently before nodding once. “Well, what is there to say that isn't known yet by the public, seeing as we live a royal life watched by the eyes of many?” She laughs at this, and for a moment Shoma gets surprised at her sarcasm and wit. “My name is Alina Zagitova, second daughter to the King of Russia Evgeni Plushenko. I have an older sister, Crown Princess Evgenia Medvedeva, the sole inheritor to the crown. She was just newly wed actually!”

“Ah, to her commoner fiancé, I heard?” Daisuke remarks.

Shoma glares at his father at the corner of his eye, feeling embarrassed and ashamed for blatantly showing how traditional and unaccepting the royal family is over matters that are trivial to many, including Shoma.

News from Russia doesn't get to reach much at Japan, but Shoma is informed enough to know that it caused an uproar at first when it was announced that Russian Crown Princess Evgenia Medvedeva was to wed her commoner fiancé Mikhail Kolyada. Negative reactions from the people overpower the support that the couple received, but no power can stop the couple from marrying one another.

Shoma doesn't know how Evgenia managed to convince the Russian royal family that she was to wed her fiancé and is still to be the crown princess, and for that he greatly admires her.

Alina just smiles at Daisuke's response, tilting her head slightly to the side. “Well, yes Mikhail is a commoner, but he's a hard worker who's finishing university law studies. Once he graduates he will be able to help my sister in political affairs.” She proudly says.

Daisuke leans back from his chair, placing his arms on the side to relax his body. He smiles pleasantly at her, amused at her words. At this, Shoma knows that the king isn't exactly impressed, but he's being civil to who he was talking to. Shoma almost huffs out loud in annoyance.

“How about you princess? Are you interested in any romantic affairs?”

She laughs at this, shaking her head once with a shrug of her shoulders. Alina looks at Shoma once before steering her eyes to look at the king again. “I don't think much about it, I'm only sixteen.”

Shoma felt his blood gone cold, shocked at her revelation. “You're sixteen?” He whispers, hand shaking on anger that was quickly building up in him. He looks up to see Alina hesitantly smiling at him, and for the first time Shoma sees uncertainty in her eyes. “Yes, I am. Why?” She asks slowly.

“Yes Shoma, is there a problem?” Daisuke asks, and Shoma turns his head to see the king staring at him with eyes telling him to stand down, not to defy him, not to fight; Shoma ignores this.

“No, not really.” Shoma says, pausing to take a look at Alina first before looking at his father once more. “But if we're going to drop all pretense, isn't she too young to be a potential partner for me, your highness?”

He hears Mai hitching her breath at his words, and it's as if everyone's breathing stopped when Shoma spoke out what the king was planning all along. No one was stupid, everyone knows why Alina is in Japan, but to have it out in the open is confirming everyone's assumptions that yes, the king is planning to wed the crown prince already.

Daisuke sits up straighter, an attempt to look intimidating and to power over his son. Shoma ignores this, too used to how his father moves. This time, Shoma is stubborn. He won't let himself be unheard.

“If you're going to find a perfect match for me, I suggest someone of my age. Princess Alina here is not even of legal age yet.”

At every word Daisuke's glare at Shoma gets deeper, darker, angrier. They can feel uneasiness coming from everyone in the room, especially Alina, but they paid it no mind.

“Watch your words dear crown prince. You're talking to your father, the king.”

Shoma smirks at this, annoyed at the show of power. He stands up, takes a sip of water from his glass before putting it down harshly, almost breaking it into pieces. “Then as the king, maybe you should reevaluate your decisions, as it seems like you're making a rash one by trying to set up the crown prince with a minor without consent from both parties.”

He turns to Alina, and sees her looking at him with uneasiness. He bows down at her and lets his head linger for a minutes before bringing it up once more. His behavior isn't inexcusable, he shouldn't have made a scene. But Shoma knows that if he didn't say it out loud for everyone to hear, then it will remain a fact that the king would try to hide it as long as he can.

“I'm sorry your first dinner with us had to be this way princess. If you may excuse me.”

He pushes his chair away to walk out of the room, seemingly set on not looking back before he realizes that no one was following him from behind. He looks back to see Yuzuru not moving from his spot, eyes set on looking down at the ground. Shoma doesn't know what to get out of his expression, but he's annoyed and tired and if allowed, he just wants to be in Yuzuru's arms.

“Yuzuru, let's go.”

At his words it's as if Yuzuru gets back to reality, snapping his head up in surprise. He looks at Shoma with wide eyes for a moment,before nodding once at the prince. He then faces the king to bow deep at him in respect. “If you may excuse us, your highness.”

As soon as he's sure that Yuzuru starts to walk towards him, Shoma doesn't waste time and walks out of the room without looking back.

 

//

 

There were no questions asked. As soon as Shoma enters his room, Yuzuru immediately follows him inside with no command needed, closing the door behind him in an instant. Shoma threw all caution out in the air as he launches himself into Yuzuru's arms, burying his face onto his neck. Yuzuru automatically brings his arms around Shoma's waist, tightening his hold around him in a hug.

No words were needed at the moment. Both of them knew that Shoma needed to calm down and to release his stress. It's not an ideal way to do so and they haven't done it in a long time, but Yuzuru knows that offering his presence to Shoma is the only way at the moment to calm him down.

“I'm just, so, so tired.” Shoma whispers, body going lax as he falls comfortable in Yuzuru's embrace. He feels Yuzuru gently moving them from side to side, as if to rocking Shoma to sleep. He closes his eyes and allows himself to smile, appreciative of Yuzuru's actions. Shoma buries himself onto Yuzuru's chest with a sigh of contentment.

It must have been only a few minutes, but Shoma finds himself gently being pulled away from Yuzuru's embrace, even if he wishes that time could stop forever. Yuzuru brings a hand up to gently run it over Shoma's perpetually messy hair, smiling softly as he tries to untangle it with one hand. Shoma closes his eyes at the relaxing sensation, unknowingly smiling at Yuzuru.

“Don't sleep on me, my prince.”

Trust Yuzuru to calm Shoma, but at the same time make his heart skip a beat at his affectionate way he called him _his prince_. Shoma opens his eyes and met Yuzuru's who was fondly gazing down at him, soft smile never leaving his lips.

“Are you okay now?” He quietly asks. Shoma shrugs, and it was easy for Yuzuru to understand that he means _'I’m okay as I can be.’_

Shoma removes himself away from Yuzuru's embrace, walking away to sit down on a couch instead. Yuzuru allows himself to wait out a beat before following Shoma, sitting down beside him at a respectable distance.

Their setup is not normal, no prince-guard relationship is like theirs. But in the safety of Shoma's closed room and with the need of close contact at the moment, they allowed themselves to temporarily forget about their society-given positions and to just act as to how they feel.

As soon as Yuzuru sits down, Shoma allows himself not to think, but just to follow what his heart had been wanting to do for a long time. He reaches for Yuzuru's hand, holding it tight in his. Yuzuru allows him, a smile gracing upon his lips at the contact initiated by the prince.

“Are you okay?” Shoma asks softly without looking at Yuzuru. He hears him chuckle softly at the question, but still refuses to bring his head up to look at him. “Why are you asking me that? I should be the one asking you if you're okay.”

Shoma huffs out a breathe at Yuzuru's reply, not in annoyance with the way on how he was smiling widely, looking at their intertwined hands. In a moment of bravery, Shoma brings his head up to look at Yuzuru who was already looking at him fondly. “I should be the one asking if you're okay Shoma.” Yuzuru says, pausing, as if to give Shoma time to formulate an answer in his head. “Are you okay?”

He knows that he really couldn't lie at Yuzuru, and that there was no one he could trust with himself other than him. Shoma's smile turns sad as he brings down his stare once more, shaking his head in response to the question.

“I'm really not. I talked to my father about it, but he never told me that she was.. that young.”

The fact that the king orchestrated everything without Shoma's consent is already angering him, but to know that Alina is still basically a teenager is what makes Shoma's blood boil much more intensely. He already had his assumptions that she was young, but to know that Alina is just sixteen and that the king is probably aware of it but just pushes through with his plan is just despicable to Shoma.

Yuzuru doesn't respond to this, as he just continues to rub this thumb soothingly onto Shoma's hand. “When did you find out though? That a delegation from Russia will be coming?”

“Just yesterday.” Yuzuru says, thumb continuously rubbing at Shoma's hand. Shoma doesn't know if it's to comfort him, or for Yuzuru to comfort himself. “We were briefed that the second royal princess from Russia will be coming. And judging from the rumors going around the palace, it was easy for me to guess that the king is trying to set you up already.”

The words stung, as if by saying it out loud they are sealing it into reality. Shoma brings his head up to look at Yuzuru, who was now looking down at their hands, a sad smile decorating his face.

“Are you—”

“Of course I'm not okay, Shoma. But what I'm feeling isn't important now, is it?”

Shoma furrows his eyebrows in confusion at this, tugging Yuzuru's hand once to prompt him to look at Shoma. “What do you mean? Of course what you feel is important. You're important to me, you know that.”

At his words Yuzuru releases his hold on Shoma, although not abruptly, but the action still stung a bit in Shoma's heart. He stares at him as Yuzuru slowly brings his head up to look at Shoma, deep sadness reflected in his eyes. It was during these moments that even if it pains Shoma, he was thankful for because Yuzuru allowed himself to show his emotions in front of him.

“I'm just your guard, and you are my prince. She's a princess, and we all know how the solution goes and what the end result is going to be, right?”

The truth was out, and it lingered painfully in the air. Shoma can feel tears slowly filling up his eyes, as he breathes in deeply to keep it in bay.

“I'll.. I'll think of of something.”

Yuzuru slowly shakes his head negative, a tear escaping his eye. They both know what is to happen, and Yuzuru had already accepted it. “We all know we can't do anything about it Shoma.”

Shoma shakes his head almost violently at this, grasping Yuzuru's hand in his once more. “No, I'm not giving up easily. Just.. give me time, please.”

He gives him a sad smile once more, eyes dropping down forlornly to stare at their intertwined hands. “It's not about giving up Shoma.”

Shoma doesn't understand.

 

//

 

The next few weeks went by in a blur. Shoma goes through all of their required public appearances together almost robotically, unwilling, but unable to say no. He knew that he has a role to live up to, a role that he has long accepted that even if he doesn't want what he's doing, he has to live by it.

Alina is radiant as always. She's always prim and proper, beautiful, charming, and even witty when she needs to be. It's easy for the media and the Japanese people to find themselves head over heels for her charms. And it even got easier for Daisuke to slowly introduce her to the people of the country.

Even if Shoma had basically said the truth out loud that Alina is to be his future spouse in the palace, the press of the royal family hasn't said anything in regards to it to the rest of the Japanese people. Rumors about the reason why they show up in public appearances together are brushed off, ignored at the most. Shoma knows that Keiji is only waiting for Daisuke's command, a signal for them to announce that their crown prince is to be wed.

“King Daisuke is just waiting for the right moment.” Shoma remembers Keiji telling him, a hesitant smile on his face. At this point Shoma despises his father, but he can never hate Keiji.

Keiji has been faithful to the royal family ever since he was young and he first got his job. He has never defied the king, only gave advices when he needs to, and with the present situation at hand Shoma can see that even Keiji disapproves of the match. Maybe he tried to give advice to the king about it, maybe he did nothing even if he disagrees, Shoma doesn't know. But he can see that Keiji doesn't agree with the situation, if not for the fact that he told Shoma that Daisuke is just waiting for the right moment even if Shoma didn't ask him too.

“Thank you.” Shoma remembers himself saying, a small grateful smile gracing his face. If Keiji can't do anything about it, then he's sure that Yuzuru can't do anything about it too.

Shoma believes that it's all up to him.

He doesn't know if he can change the king's mind. He doesn't say no to public appearances, but he has shown great distaste towards the king everytime they share the same room inside of the palace. Daisuke ignores this every time, and Shoma finds himself more desperate and angrier at every exchange.

Shoma doesn't understand why Daisuke is doing this. Even if he's stubborn, the king usually consults Shoma first in matters that concerns the crown prince, asks his opinion about it before coming into a conclusion. Shoma doesn't understand in why with matters like this, the king just pushed through without his consent.

It made him think, so did Alina gave her consent about it?

He hasn't talked to her ever since the dinner of their first night, opting to flash a robotic smile during their public appearances together and to ignore her when they're inside the palace.

Alina must be too pure or too much of an angel, because she never gets mad at Shoma for ignoring her and only gives him a small smile with a bow whenever the random times that their eyes would meet came.

It makes Shoma think if she agreed to their arranged marriage beforehand, or if she only found out when Shoma said it out loud that first night, and has come to accept it faster than Shoma ever could.

The fact that she's only sixteen makes Shoma's head spin. She's young, too young to make decisions like marriage. During her age, Shoma was still struggling in handling the responsibility of being the crown prince, and struggling in handling his growing feelings for Yuzuru. It was too much for Shoma to think how Alina could possibly agree to it in such a young age.

Does she understand what's happening? The complications of it? What does she want out of it?

Shoma desperately wants a way out. He wants to end all of it. He wants Alina to go back to Russia, so everything can go back to how it was before. He can go back to being the crown prince without the added responsibility of having a future spouse, he can go back to plotting how to talk things out with his feelings, he can go back to Yuzuru's arms.

But it's as if Yuzuru himself isn't helping him to find a way out.

Yuzuru has been distant. Not obviously, but it's obvious enough for Shoma to notice. After Shoma told him of his feelings, Yuzuru distanced himself. When Alina came, Yuzuru offered Shoma comfort. And now, he's distancing himself once more.

Shoma is confused. He might not have said it out loud, but he was almost certain that Yuzuru still feels the same, otherwise he wouldn't offer comfort and affection to Shoma. Right? _Right._

He doesn't know what to do, what to think of Yuzuru's actions. He wants him close, he wants him to be in Yuzuru's arms again. But everytime time he tries to initiate close contact with the guard, Yuzuru just smiles sadly at him with a shake of his head.

Is he trying to suppress his affections once more?

Shoma doesn't know, and he refuses to think too much about it. But he vows to find a way out, if it will make Yuzuru's affection come around him once more, without Shoma initiating it, without Yuzuru himself suppressing it.

 

//

 

Alina catches Shoma in his room.

It's too early for him in the morning and he just barely woke up, quickly washed and was about to head out when he stumbles upon Alina who was quietly sitting in the single couch in his study, just near the main door of his room.

He stares at her confused and surprised, when she turns her head and flashes him a bright smile upon seeing him.

“Shoma, good morning.”

Shoma stares at her for a few seconds, before bowing in response. She has never entered his room and he has never invited her in. He was confused as to what her intentions are. She might have seen the confusion in his face, as she laughs softly before cocking her head slightly to the side.

“Your guard let me in, he was really kind about it.”

At the statement, Shoma drops the confused expression on his face, replacing it with blankness. He doesn't bother to hide his disappointment, and Alina herself doesn't hide that she knows he didn't like that she was allowed access to his room.

Shoma was almost tempted to walk out and shout at Yuzuru for allowing Alina in his room. Yuzuru knows his dislike at Alina's presence, Yuzuru knows that as much as he can Shoma won't even be in the same room as her. So why would Yuzuru allow Alina in Shoma's own bedroom?

“Do you dislike me that much, your highness?” Alina says, effectively making Shoma look at her once more. She wasn't sitting anymore and was now walking towards Shoma, before stopping in front of him with a respectable distance between them. “What did I do to make you hate me?” She asks.

He huffs out loud in annoyance at this, placing both of his hands in his pockets. “I don't hate you princess.” He says, pausing. It's better to have it out in the open than to lie and to treat her in a civil way. “but I don't like you, and that's probably obvious.”

Alina stares at Shoma pensively, before replying. “Do you think I agree with this?”

“I don't know.” Shoma turns away, shrugging his shoulders. Stubborn. “Do you?” He asks.

“Personally, I don't. But do I have a choice?”

Shoma looks back at Alina at her words to find her staring at him, seriousness in her eyes. It's as if she wasn't that witty and charming sixteen year old princess but rather, a member of the royal family that had too much responsibility that forced them to grow up and to be an adult. _Like Shoma._

She turns away from his stare, walking towards the table on the side to admire the decorations on top of it. A flower vase, some generic picture frames, little statues that Shoma really paid no attention. He wasn't the one who decorated his study anyways.

Alina admires the little trinkets of decoration one by one, running her fingers over them. Shoma allows her to, and waits for her next words. He knows she isn't done speaking yet, and he's giving her the chance to speak out her thoughts. She takes the opportunity.

“Like I said before, I'm only the second daughter, I'm not the crown princess. My sister Evgenia, she's picture perfect, the ideal royal crown princess that our kingdom has ever wanted.” She says, before facing forward to look at Shoma, reclining back at the table with her palms on it, supporting her body weight. “Then she marries Mikhail.”

Alina sadly smiles as she looks to the side, before continuing. “Don't get me wrong, I adore Mikhail. He's perfect for my sister. But of course the royal family and their advisors don't like him, because he's not of royal blood.”

“It's ridiculous if you ask me, that my sister had to struggle so much, had to make a lot of compromises just so they can allow her to marry Mikhail and still get to keep the crown.”

“Do you want the crown yourself?” Shoma takes his chance to ask.

Alina shakes her head, as she laughs at his question. “Oh no, I would never.” She says before pausing, the smile on her face dropping. “But if me getting the crown would result for her not to leave the country after ten years, then so be it.”

Shoma furrows his eyebrows at this, confused at her words. The Russian royal family allowed for Evgenia to marry Mikhail and still be the crown princess, but she has to leave Russia after ten years?

“That's more than enough to look for a new crown princess.” Shoma says. “Won't that be you?” Alina shrugs at his question. “No, they don't really want to give me the crown, and I don't like it either.”

As much as Shoma appreciates Alina sharing her story to him, for making him see her side of the story, he doesn't understand what are her goals for doing so. He knows that Alina is polite, nice, understanding; and that it's his own stubbornness that's hindering them from developing any sort of relationship between them, even if just friendship. He was very aware of it. But to go out of her way just to tell him everything is confusing to Shoma.

“What do you want me to do with this information princess?” He asks her, dropping the question that has been plaguing his mind ever since she started telling her story. “Why are you really here?”

Alina drops her gaze to the ground, letting silence envelop them for a few moments. Shoma waits.

She then pushes herself off the table walking towards Shoma, smile gone from her face but with seriousness reflected in her eyes. She stops when she's right in front of him, and stares straight at him.

“I'm not asking much from you, prince. All I ask is for you to treat me civilly, please don't ignore me. I don't agree with this arrangement, but I don't have much of a choice.”

Shoma stares back at Alina, evaluating her words. They're pretty much in the same gray area; not agreeing with the arrangement but having no choice in it.

“We can help one another to make things easier, to make things better between us.”

As soon as the words left her lips, a sharp knock at the door was heard before it opened to an expressionless Yuzuru. Surprised, Shoma takes a step back away from Alina.

“Your highness, you're late at your appointment with the secretary of the Chief of Finance.”

Shoma averts his eyes away from Yuzuru,breath hitching in his throat. They were doing nothing wrong in particular, they were just talking. But for them to be caught by Yuzuru was too much for Shoma. He felt as if he did something wrong.

Too busy in trying to calm the fast beating of his heart, Shoma fails to see Alina looking at him and Yuzuru, questions obviously swimming in her mind.

“Alright, I'll get going.” Shoma says, straightening his suit before walking away from Alina. He stops at his door abruptly, and Alina waits for what Shoma has to say.

“Thank you, princess, for sharing your thoughts with me.”

Alina smiles at this, nodding. “You're welcome.” She watches Shoma walk out of the room, meeting eyes with Yuzuru once Shoma was out of her sight. He bows to her in respect, and she bows back at him before walking out of the room too.

 

//

 

Yuzuru has been distancing himself once again, and Shoma is getting frustrated at him.

He's not stupid, he knows and sees that Yuzuru has been making an extra effort to distance himself from him. From speaking only when necessary, to expressionless and robotic movements around the prince. It's like they're back from square one, when Yuzuru distanced himself from Shoma at first when he confessed his feelings.

Shoma didn't want to think about it, he had wanted to focus his mind and energy into thinking of ways on how to convince his father to drop the plans of arranged marriage as soon as he can. But with Yuzuru distancing himself, his mind is distracted. He was doing it for himself, he was doing it for Yuzuru. But with Yuzuru avoiding him, it was not helping his mood at all. He was confused,annoyed. He wanted to know why Yuzuru was doing it.

It was late at night, too late to have a prince like him still walking around the palace hallways. He just came back from a dinner appearance at an event held outside the palace and as usual, Yuzuru is walking behind him, trailing behind his steps.

Yuzuru had been robotic as ever during the dinner. Shoma had been annoyed all night, itching to know the reason behind the actions of his guard. Luckily it was only him that was invited, neither Daisuke or Alina was present to accompany him. It gave him time to arrange his thoughts, to plan what he was to say to Yuzuru once they get someplace to be alone.

It seems like the time has come, as Shoma sees the balcony near his room opened slightly, probably just to let the cold air in the stuffy hallways. He abruptly pulls Yuzuru by the arm towards the balcony, dropping it hastily to look back, seeing Yuzuru look at him with wide eyes.

“Your highness—”

“Tell me what's wrong, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru averts his gaze after hearing the words, hesitation evident in his eyes. The action made Shoma angrier, fists clenching before bringing it up to grab at Yuzuru clothes, clenching it in his hands to force him closer to him, to force Yuzuru to look into his eyes.

“You will stop avoiding me and you will tell me what is going on.”

Shoma expects Yuzuru to push him away, or to even avert his eyes away from Shoma's gaze. He didn't expect Yuzuru to grab his face and to place his lips on his.

It's as if all the anger that Shoma had felt earlier vanished into nothing, as he melted into Yuzuru's arms. He finds himself closing his eyes, hands finding purchase on top of Yuzuru's shoulders as he buries a hand in Shoma's hair, the other wrapping around his waist.

It wasn't just a soft peck, as kisses were continued to be shared between each other. When Shoma draws back to take a breath Yuzuru follows, and he swallows the gasp of breath that Shoma let's out when he swipes his tongue gently on the seam of the other's lips to ask for entrance, slipping his tongue inside of Shoma's mouth.

Sharing kisses in each other's embrace, Shoma and Yuzuru loses track of time. It's as if they couldn't stop, desperate to give and to receive affection from one another.

They only stop when it was clear that they couldn't catch their breath anymore, parting their lips only to lean their foreheads to one another, desperate to keep their contact close. Shoma's lips are red and Yuzuru's is no different, and the thought makes Shoma laugh softly in the middle of the night.

They never kissed, and it was as if they just waited for the right moment to do it.

“I'm sorry.” Yuzuru whispers, breathing deeply. “I shouldn't have—”

“No.” Shoma interjects, effectively stopping Yuzuru from finishing his thoughts. “Just.. let's cherish this moment, please.”

Yuzuru smiles sadly at Shoma's words, breathing in deeply for a moment as he places a kiss on Shoma's forehead, before dropping his arms, taking a step back away from the prince.

“As much as we want to cherish the moment, you know that we can't. We know that we shouldn't have done that.”

The blissful feeling that he felt vanishes in a second, as the anger that Shoma felt a while ago comes back, annoyed at what Yuzuru had said. “You kiss me, then tell me that what we did was wrong?”

Yuzuru shakes his head at Shoma's outburst. “Please Shoma, don't get me wrong.” He says, surging forward to grasp Shoma's arms, placing his lips on top of his head, breathing him in. “You're wonderful, and I don't regret kissing you, but we shouldn't have—”

Shoma pushes him away, disbelief written in his face. “Why?” He questions, feeling tears starting to pool up in his eyes.

Yuzuru smiles sadly at him, eyes downcast. “You have Princess Alina now.”

It's as if everything suddenly clicked in Shoma's head. Why Yuzuru allowed Alina in his room, why Yuzuru had been distancing himself.

“You think, I'm going to marry Alina, just like that?” Shoma whispers, disbelief evident in his tone. A stray tear falls down on his face, and he sees Yuzuru struggling not to wipe it away.

“I don't just think Shoma, I know.”

Shoma shakes his head, confused if he should be disappointed at Yuzuru, or be in disbelief. Here he was struggling to fight for his feelings, but Yuzuru had already given up.

“Why..” Shoma pauses, struggling to find his words. He realizes that he has been crying, his tears continuously falling from his eyes. He looks up at Yuzuru to see him with his own tears falling from his face as well.

“Why did you give me up already?”

Yuzuru wipes his tears away, shaking his head at Shoma's question. “No, I didn't give you up. I could never.”

“But why? What about me?” Shoma asks, whispers the question into the air. Yuzuru sadly smiles at him once more, bringing a hand up to wipe Shoma's tears away.

“It's something that we both have to sacrifice, for the country.”

 

//

 

“Presenting, Princess Mai Mihara, and Sir Nathan Chen.”

Shoma watches as Mai takes the center of the room, hand in hand with Nathan as he leads her into a waltz at the start of the music. She's beautiful as always as she's wearing a wonderful yukata inspired ball gown, complimenting Nathan's western inspired suit. They're a picture perfect example of a modern royal couple, with Nathan's western roots and Mai's Japanese origins.

He can hear cooing from people around him, entranced at the beautiful image that Nathan and Mai had presented in front of everyone. Nathan leads Mai into the dance with a hand around her waist, the other holding her hand up as she rests her free hand on his shoulder. It was a beautiful sight as they danced according to the music's pace, sometimes intimately slow, but sometimes fast enough that makes her giggle when he sweeps her off her feet.

Shoma is genuinely happy for his sister's achievements, graduating university with flying colors and on top of that, with Nathan beside her supporting her in her present and future endeavors. The King decided to give her a celebratory graduation ball and Shoma agree because yes, she deserves to be celebrated.

The celebratory ball was held in the grand ballroom of the palace. Palace servants and staff members decorated the place to the likes of the princess, with curtains of white and gold hanging around the windows, round tables and chairs strategically placed on the sides to make space for people to dance in the middle of the floor. Chandeliers were polished, utensils sparkling along with bright lights functioning all around. It was minimal, but beautiful. It suits Mai well.

After a couple of songs have passed, the emcee announces that anyone who wishes to dance may do join the royal princess and her partner. Buzzing of conversations floated around, as some couples decided to join in on the celebratory dance. Shoma tunes this out, opting to scans his eyes on the crowd, searching for familiar faces that he might need to talk to for a later time.

The king took the liberty in inviting all the relevant people, royal advisers, chief ministers, and allowed Mai and Nathan to invite a couple of people that they know under his supervision. Mai invited some of her friends from university, Nathan having only just stayed in Japan for over a full year invited none but his assistant Jason who came with him from America, but was happy nonetheless.

In every event Shoma has been taught to always keep an open eye at the guests, for he might have to be engaged in casual talks with them during the latter half of the evening. But at celebratory balls like this one, Shoma is almost half assured that he likely won't be engaged in any political talks, for this isn't a formal event but likely, an event to celebrate the achievements of the princess.

His eyes land at the line of guards positioned at the sides, almost standing like statues as they stood robotically, eyes continuously scanning the crowd for any possible mishaps. Shoma never fails to spot Yuzuru out of all the identically clothed guards, seeing him staring right at Shoma before averting his eyes when he catches the prince staring at him.

They ended that night in tears, and no conversations about it have been done ever since. It was painful for Shoma to go through his everyday life with Yuzuru always closely and silently following him from behind, knowing the fact that Yuzuru has already accepted defeat. Shoma still doesn't understand why, doesn't understand the words said to him. He refuses to give up, refuses to sacrifice the love that he has developed for Yuzuru over the years.

A tap on his arm brings him back from his thoughts, turning to his side to see Daisuke smiling at him with Alina by his side. At that point Shoma knew that the king was up to no good.

“Shoma, how about inviting Princess Alina to a dance?”

He flashes his father a dark displeased look. It wasn't a request, it was a command. And judging from the look that the king gives him back, he wasn't offering Shoma a way out.

“It will be a shame if Princess Alina doesn't get to enjoy the night. The press has already been expecting the two of you to share the floor for a dance.”

Alina takes a half step forward, hesitation evident in her smile. “Your highness, it's alright even if I don't dance, I'm already enjoying the night.”

Daisuke tuts at her words, effectively shutting her down. “No, no. Don't feel bad Alina. I'm sure that Shoma here would be delighted to dance with you.”

It was a test, Shoma was sure. It was a test to see if Shoma can stay stubborn in front of the press and everyone else. Shoma had repeatedly defied Daisuke over the matter with Alina in private settings, but never in public occasions. It was a test to see if Shoma will still keep up his image as the crown prince or to defy the king once more. Shoma was sure that from the get-go, Daisuke knew that Shoma couldn't say no.

People around them have already definitely noticed the scene happening, if not for the whispers of conversation floating around along with the beat of the music.

Shoma knew he had no choice.

After giving one last dark look at his father, he takes a step right in front of Alina and bows down with his left hand on his back, offering his right hand to her.

“May I have a dance with you, princess?”

The murmurs of conversation heightened as Alina places her hand in his. Shoma leads the way and as soon as he reaches the center of the floor, places his left hand on her waist, watching as she places her free hand on his shoulder. A distance is obvious in between them, but Shoma doesn't care enough to close it, he doesn't want to.

They share a dance quietly, bodies swinging from side to side to the beat of the music. Shoma doesn't look at Alina, and opted to stare straight behind her. He knows that he looks like he's very unwilling to dance as he sports a straight expression on his face, but Shoma doesn't bother to correct himself anymore. He agreed to the dance already.

In a wrong move Shoma finds himself catching Yuzuru's stare, breathe hitching at the look that he's been given. Yuzuru is still as stoic as ever, but reflected in his eyes is sadness that Shoma is sure that he won't miss. He moves his head away to break the stare, catching Alina's eyes instead.

“Is something wrong, Shoma?” She asks.

Shoma doesn't bother to lie to her anymore, doesn't bother to change the anguished look that must have been reflected on his face. “I'm fine.” He lies.

Alina turns to the side to look at where Shoma was gazing upon earlier, catching Yuzuru's form who was now looking away from the both of them. She turns back at Shoma to see him staring at him with wide panicked eyes, confusing evident on his face.

“Do you want to stop dancing?”

He stares at her for a few minutes, decisive, calculative. He's noticed, Shoma has been watching. He has caught Alina looking at Yuzuru for a couple of times already with a calculative look on her face. Every time it happens, Shoma brushes it under the rug. He forgets it, and tries not to think much of the situation.

But right now where Alina openly looks back at Yuzuru first before asking Shoma if he wants to stop, Shoma can't help but think that maybe she's smarter than she looks.

“No, it's okay princess.”

Even if they stopped, Shoma can do nothing to remove the pain from Yuzuru's eyes anyways.

 

//

 

Ever since Shoma was born, the title of being the crown prince has been bestowed to him. He embraced it, trained for it, and even if it pained him at times, he faced the painful facts that came along with it. Facts that he has no privacy, that he cannot get just anything that he wants without the consent of the king, and that he cannot just freely love another, more so if it's in a country as traditional as Japan is.

He knows from the get-go that he shouldn't have loved Yuzuru. But Shoma was stubborn, refuses to give up the one thing that he felt was his, the love that he feels for Yuzuru.

To Shoma, Yuzuru is wonderful. He understands him, he listens to him, doesn't treat him like how almost godly the others treat him, gives him advice, loves him for who he is rather than what his position is. He may not show the affection openly and may most of the time try to reject it, but Shoma would like to believe that he feels it, that Yuzuru does love him.

No matter what happens, Shoma promised to himself that he'll find a way out of the situation, to put things back to how it was before. He regards himself as someone who always finds options other than a single conclusion. He'll have plan b, plan c, even plan d. Shoma believes that he'll be prepared.

But to see Princess Alina collapsing is something that he's not prepared to see.

Shoma doesn't remember much other than he was walking beside her at the palace hallways towards Daisuke's office, before seeing her fall on the floor unconscious at the next second. He vaguely remembers feeling panic seize up his chest, rushing to check if she was still breathing, screaming at Yuzuru to call a doctor, and the rest was a blur of people rushing in to help the unconscious princess.

Next thing he knows he's escorted inside her bedroom, hearing the doctor's words of _'she wishes to be the one to tell you the truth.’_

Shoma requests for Yuzuru to give them privacy. He quickly follows, closing the door on himself as he stations outside the room.

The prince takes his time walking towards her bed, eyes landing on her weak form. She's trying to blink the tiredness out of her eyes, and offers a weak smile when she sees Shoma. He smiles back at her, sympathetic, as he takes a seat on the edge of her bed.

“How are you feeling, princess?”

Alina shrugs at his question, as she attempts to sit up on the bed to recline on the headboard. Shoma assists her, and she thanks him with a small nod of her head. She's so weak, lips pale and eyes drooping, but she's still trying to be strong. “Pretty shitty to be honest.”

Shoma laughs shortly at her bluntness, making her smile at his reaction. If he'll be honest, Shoma is confused at everything that's happening. All he can do at the moment is to offer support and sympathy.

“You must be confused?” Alina asks, and Shoma averts his eyes from her gaze, before nodding yes at her question. She smiles sadly at this, bringing her legs closer to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself. At this action her hair falls onto her face, effectively hiding herself. It makes her look like the teenager that she still is.

From his position Shoma can only see her side profile, but he doesn't make an attempt to face her. It feels too much, for Shoma to look at someone who's currently physically weak, someone who he grew feelings of distaste just because of certain circumstances, even if he knows he shouldn't.  

Shoma knows that Alina is a kind and sweet girl, and he's aware that he refused to give himself a chance to see her good traits just because they were being set up together, something he blatantly refuses. And so seeing her at her weakest state is making him feel guiltier than he should even be.

“This just sucks.” She says, huffing out in frustration. Shoma hears her voice crack, and he guesses that Alina is trying hard not to cry. “I thought I'll be able to hold on for a few years, not just a few months.”

“What do you mean, princess?”

Alina brings her head up to look at Shoma and she catches his gaze, looking at him with sadness in her eyes. “Do you want to know why I said that they still probably won't give me the crown even if I already don't want it?”

Shoma doesn't break their gaze, and just waits out for her answer.

“They won't give me the crown, because I have acute myeloid anemia. I'm going to die anyway.”

He stares at her, breathe huffing out in disbelief. Alina weakly shrugs at him as she plasters on a sad smile on her face. Shoma waits for an explanation, believing that there has to be one.

“I was diagnosed just a few years back, when Evgenia just met Mikhail. At first it didn't matter, we tried everything to cure my sickness but obviously nothing worked. Then when Evgenia fought for Mikhail, the royal family got desperate. They knew that they wouldn't get a royal child from Evgenia and Mikhail. They don't want a half-blood. They want a full blood to rule the country.”

Shoma can almost see where the story is going.

“And because I'm sick, they never planned to give the crown to me. The next best option was to marry me off to a prince as soon as they could, and to take the child if there will ever be, and to train the child to be the next ruler of Russia. Continuing my treatment was never the priority, their long term plan is just to gain a full blood that they can replace for Evgenia once she leaves the country.”

Silence follows after Alina says the truth. Shoma stares off into the distance, carefully fixing the words in his head, balancing out the question that has been at the tip of his tongue ever since.

“What do you want from out of this?” He asks.

Alina flashes yet another sad smile at Shoma, even if he wasn't looking at her anymore. “I just want to be able to do something for my country.”

He weighed her words in his head, carefully reconstructing it to form a logical conclusion. All this time, Alina had the goal of doing it for her country, sacrificing her own interests in the process. She's not even sacrificing a love, she's sacrificing her own life, knowing that the Russian royal family does not plan to focus on finding a cure for her sickness anymore. All Alina wants to do is to be able to do something for her country.

Shoma realizes that his goals seems trivial to hers. He's fighting for his love, she's fighting for her life. He realizes that she gave up her own life just to be able to do something for her country. Something of what a royal should be.

“What you're asking of me,” he pauses, attempting to clear his throat first before continuing. His conscience is clear, he knows what to do, but it's not easy. “I can never love you. I can never give you a child, I have no interest in developing a romantic relationship with you even in the future. I just want to make this clear.”

Alina nods. “I know.”

“Then, Princess Alina, will you marry me?”


	2. Chapter 2

 

Daisuke was confused.

As soon as Shoma goes out of the room, he heads straight to the king's office and tells him of his decision. He watches as the king widens his eyes, standing up slowly to stare at his son.

“Are you sure, Shoma?”

Shoma nods carefully, a blank expression on his face. Daisuke stares at him for a few seconds, eyes boring into Shoma's as if by doing so would get an explanation out of him.

“You're sure, that you want to get married to Princess Alina?”

Shoma nods. The king takes a deep breathe, apprehension obvious in his eyes. It was obvious that Daisuke was surprised, if not for the way on how he's approaching Shoma in a careful way.

Shoma himself don't blame the king for his reaction. At the onset, Shoma made it clear that he doesn't want to get married, that he would be finding a way out of the situation. It was the first time that Shoma had openly defied Daisuke's plans and for Shoma to suddenly agree with it is jarring to the king.

“Can I ask what brought this on? Is this because Princess Alina is sick? Is it serious?”

He shakes his head no at the question, and mentally weighs in the fact that the king admitted that he doesn't know the extent of Alina's sickness, on why she was in their kingdom, on why the Russian royal family basically offered her to them; all because they want a royal child. It made Shoma think on how much does his father really know of things, if he just agreed because he wants Shoma to have a partner already for when the crown gets passed to him.

“Tell me father,” Shoma asks, uncharacteristically blank. “just be frank with me, but why were you so adamant to have me marry Alina?”

Daisuke loses a bit of the tension in his shoulders, averting his eyes from Shoma's at the question. It's as if he's carefully choosing the words in his brain. Shoma realizes that they never had a chance to talk it out, opting for passive aggressive conversations and side eye glares. _'Maybe if we talked it out instead, things would have been easier.’_

“I'm not getting younger Shoma.” The king says, breathing in deeply. “Bottomline, yes, I want to give the crown to you soon.”

“I can be the king without having a queen.”

Daisuke chuckles shortly at this forlornly in obvious defeat. “You know we can't. We have rules to follow, traditions to uphold.”

He notes the fact that his father said this in a defeated tone. That maybe, Daisuke himself doesn't really agree with their traditions, that maybe, he himself was just forced to follow it, to please their people.

Shoma realizes that maybe he wasn't the only one being held down by old traditions and by unrealistic social expectations.

Daisuke walks towards Shoma, and he follows the king with his eyes as he stops right in front of him. Daisuke looks at Shoma straight in the eyes, all pretense gone. “I want you to be the king, that's why I immediately said yes when the Russians wanted Alina to be wed to you, no matter how young she is.”

He understands this. As soon as his father had said that he has plans to give him the crown, Shoma had understood this. But it doesn't change the fact that even if his mind understands, his heart refuses to.

“Did you even consider my feelings?”

The king once again averts his eyes from Shoma's gaze, obviously ashamed. Shoma for once, is grateful that his father isn't hiding what he truly feels. “In our kingdom, in our lives as members of the royal family, you know that our feelings don't matter.”

The painful fact lingered in the room as the two men allowed silence to follow afterwards. It was a fact that they have grown into, being the king and the crown prince. It doesn't mean that they necessarily agree, but they don't have a choice but to follow in it.

“But tell me, Shoma. What made you decide to say yes to the marriage with Princess Alina?” Daisuke asks, as he brought his head up to ask Shoma once more.

The crown prince shrugs once, not bothering to hide the sadness in his eyes.

“It's something that I have to do as the crown prince.”

Daisuke looks at him forlornly for a few seconds, before nodding his head. It was for the best.

That night, Shoma walks out of Daisuke's room and walks into his, without sparing a glance at Yuzuru.

 

//

 

The next day, Shoma wakes up to the news that Yuzuru is gone.

Mai took the liberty to visit her brother, after reports from various servants say that the prince wouldn't go out of his room, insists for everyone to leave him alone.

She has heard of the happenings last night, of Princess Alina collapsing, and the sudden decision of Crown Prince Shoma to marry the Russian Princess. It all sounds like a hasty ridiculous decision to the people around the palace, from groundless rumors to countless possibilities. Most of them have accurate judgment, but trust the royal family to keep everything a secret. Keiji does his job well to keep the image of the royal family intact.

After finding out that the door is locked, Mai loudly knocks once, confident that her brother isn't asleep.

“Let me in Shoma, please.”

A click was heard after a few moments, and Mai lets herself in afterwards, shutting the door close, clicking the lock in place. They will need all the privacy that they can get. The sight of a gloomy room greets her, with all curtains closed bathing the room in darkness. She further walks into the bedroom of her brother, seeing him buried under the sheets, clothes messily thrown everywhere, chairs overturned, books and papers messily scattered around the place. He had a fit, it was obvious.

“Shoma.”

He doesn't move, but judging from the harsh breathing and sniffles of tears, Shoma was wide awake.

Mai stands, helpless. She wasn't used to comforting her brother, Shoma usually was the one who would come to her and make her see things in a wider perspective. She wasn't used to seeing Shoma distraught, at a loss of what to do. This time, she had to comfort her brother.

She takes cautious steps, careful not to spook her brother. Mai sits down on the bed with her back reclining on the headboard, before carefully pulling Shoma to rest his head on her lap. He willingly follows.

At the angle with his left cheek squished on her lap, Mai can see streaks of tears on Shoma's face, dark circles underneath his red rimmed eyes. She brings a hand up to slowly pat his head, untangling the strands of curly hair. At the action, Shoma cries harder.

“Sshh.”

Mai herself tries to suppress her own tears, immediately wiping them away with her free hand once she feels them forming on her eyes. She's trying to comfort Shoma, but instead she was crying with him.

“It's okay, just let it all out.”

She doesn't know what is going through her brother's mind, on what spurred him on to make the decision to marry Alina. Mai knows Shoma, she knows that he'll always find an option, a way out of something that he doesn't like. Mai knows that Shoma truly loves Yuzuru and that no matter how hard he resists, Yuzuru loves him back as well. So for Shoma to suddenly decide to marry Alina is confusing, but for Yuzuru to suddenly leave is not surprising.

Mai just had to figure out everything, so that she can help her brother.

“Shoma,” She whispers a few minutes later, when Shoma had reasonably calmed down. She wipes his tears away, patting his head afterwards in comfort. “tell me what's going on.”

Before, they had no one but each other. Then Shoma had Yuzuru, but he kept on pulling away. Then Mai had Nathan, and she is grateful that he stuck with her through it all. But Shoma was still in the gray area of having someone and having no one. In the end, all that he has at the moment is his sister.

Shoma unloaded all his thoughts that was plaguing his head to Mai, from his hurt feelings every time Yuzuru pulls away to what spurred him to marry Alina in the end. He told her everything, he hid nothing. Everytime he feels himself choking up Mai shushes him with a hand on his hair, patting his head to comfort. Shoma cried when he told Mai that he didn't see Yuzuru first thing in the morning and was only informed that he was gone. Shoma cried once again when he realized that he didn't have a chance to explain to Yuzuru after all.

Throughout the process, Mai listened well, nodded at appropriate times and patted her brother's hair while she holds his hand in comfort. Mai won't lie and say that she doesn't understand why he did it, because she really does, but she wouldn't say that she disagrees to it. It was clear to her that Shoma's decision is final. At the moment, all he needed was comfort and a hug.

“I wish I could've gotten the chance to explain.” He croaks out, throat sore from all the crying that he has been doing. Mai smiles sadly at his words.

“Maybe you don't need to explain, maybe he already understands.”

 

//

 

The months went by in a blur. It was a rushed wedding, everyone was sure. For everything to be planned and executed in just under six months is an obvious giveaway to anyone that the decision was rushed.

Speculations came when the announcement was made. Some say Alina was pregnant, some say that Shoma was impatient and was only doing so to become king as early as he can. People continued to speculate while everyone in the palace knew of the partial truth. It doesn't take a genius to know that it was because Princess Alina was sick. _But people can get cured, what kind of sickness does she have?_ It was the question that no one in the palace knows the answer, it was between him and Alina, and maybe Mai.

In those six months, Shoma went on with his life with a blank expression and an empty heart. He never smiled, and only spoke when asked to. The absence of a personal guard was evident, but it was said that it was the prince himself who requested that it was alright for him not to have one, _'it’s not like I go out of the palace anyways.’_

And it was true, the press and media had a hard time in covering the preparations for the wedding. It was too closed, almost a secret. Every press conference was made inside the palace. Every public appearance was scheduled only to happen within the area of the palace. No other information were allowed to be spread other than what the royal family had said. Keiji is doing his job well to keep the image of the royal family.

In six months, Shoma had already accepted defeat. The outcome was inevitable, he was sure of it. He has no regrets, other than having no chance to explain to Yuzuru what has happened. It was the only closure that Shoma felt he needed.

So for him to see Yuzuru the night before his wedding is like a dream to Shoma.

It was like he never left, Yuzuru looked the same. Maybe a bit tired, if not for the dark circles under his eyes. But other than that, Yuzuru looked the same as he is that night when he left him. Shoma felt a bit annoyed at how Yuzuru looked. Was he the only one affected at everything that's happened? Why does he look okay? Did he not care?

Shoma wanted answers, but he also wanted to explain. He was tired of dodging chances.

Face to face with Yuzuru, he stares at him for a few seconds, letting his image soak in. He doesn't know when he'll get the chance to look at Yuzuru like this once again.

“May I come in?”

He waits for a few seconds, face carefully blank as he stares right at Yuzuru before nodding and makes way for him to enter, closing the door behind him, lock in place. His room had a big improvement ever since that day when Mai had found him distraught, emotions haywire. Books in place, frames polished, furniture upright, curtains open to let the moonlight in, windows open to let the midnight breeze enter. Everything was the work of Mai. His sister took the responsibility in taking care of Shoma, may it be for his physical appearance or an explanation for his actions towards others. Mai stood beside him at all times those during those six months. Shoma had never been so grateful.

Yuzuru stood in the middle of his room, posture relaxed with his hands in his pockets, eyes carefully staring right at Shoma. Shoma stares back, and the moonlight shines directly at Yuzuru, making him glow an ethereal light. He's beautiful, it's like he's from a dream.

“Long time no see.”

Shoma nods, unsure of what to say. He has a lot of questions, but he has a lot of explanations to do too.

“Congratulations on the wedding.”

Shoma averts his eyes at the statement, feeling his heart up in his throat. He can feel tears forming in his eyes already, taking in deep rushed breaths in an attempt to calm himself down. Lost in his own thoughts he doesn't notice Yuzuru taking quiet steps forward before he stops right in front of him, grabbing his arms firmly to ground Shoma.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“No, I'm not.” He croaks out. Weak, vulnerable to touch. Shoma ignores the tears that have found their way falling to his face as places his hands on Yuzuru's chest, crumpling his dress shirt to hold him close. Yuzuru's hands come around his wrists, not to pull him away, but to grab him closer.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

In tears, Shoma finds himself in Yuzuru's embrace, his arms wrapped tight around his waist. He pulls him closer with the hold that he had on the other's dress shirt, burying his face against his neck. They share each other's tears on silence, sharing their sadness in each other's arms.

“No, don't be. You have nothing to apologize.”

“I did my best, I did everything I could.” Shoma cries. “It wasn't enough. Nothing I do was enough. At the end I had to give in. I had to Yuzuru. I'm sorry.” He pours out his feelings, hands clutching the other tighter, bringing him closer. Yuzuru shushes him, placing soft kisses on his head every now and then to calm him down. He was always like this, always a step ahead of Shoma. Like he already knows what Shoma is going to say, what he is going to do. Maybe he knows right from the start.

Shoma can feel Yuzuru taking deep breaths, an attempt to stop himself from crying. At that moment, all Shoma wants to do is to bury himself in Yuzuru's embrace, so he did.

Yuzuru rocks him from side to side, humming underneath his breath, whispering words of comfort to Shoma. He understands nothing of what Yuzuru had been telling him, but his voice and his arms around him are enough for Shoma to feel safe, to feel at peace.

“You really don't need to apologize Sho.” Yuzuru whispers after a while, when Shoma had calmed down. Shoma protests by shaking his head, burying his head further in Yuzuru's embrace. Yuzuru laughs forlornly at his antics. “It was a lost cause right from the start Shoma, we know this.”

Yes, Shoma knows it, is aware right from the start, on how they could never love each other openly, on how he could never scream out loud the overpowering love that he feels for Yuzuru. Society doesn't understand them, traditions don't want them. But Shoma held on to the belief that maybe, just maybe, a miracle can happen.

But miracles doesn't exist in reality, all Shoma did was to dream.

“Please, don't leave me again.”

Yuzuru pulls away at his words, holding Shoma's face in his hands to force him to look at him in the eye. He wipes his tears away with his thumbs, holding Shoma's face tenderly, as if he holds his whole world in his hands.

He shakes his head, and Shoma feels his heart break even more. He wants to ask why, wants to ask where he went, what he did, why does he need to leave him once more.  At the back of his head Shoma has an idea, has an answer why. He refuses to acknowledge it, wants the answer to come out of Yuzuru himself. But as he looks at him and sees only sadness reflecting in Yuzuru's eyes, Shoma realizes that maybe he doesn't need the answer anymore, that the sadness in his eyes was enough.

“Remember these words Shoma.” Yuzuru says. “No matter what happens, I will always find you, I will always find my way back to you. I love you. I love you as you are, prince or not, king or not, I love you as who you are. I love you as you, Shoma Uno.”

Shoma nods, tears spilling out of his closed eyes, cherishing the feeling of Yuzuru bringing him closer to place a soft kiss on his forehead.

“I love you too, Yuzuru.”

The next day, Yuzuru Hanyu leaves the country. That same day, Prince Shoma Uno of Japan marries Princess Alina Zagitova of Russia.

 

//

 

Three years later, Japan hails a new king.

At twenty-six years old, Shoma Uno stands as Japan's youngest king. His father, former King Daisuke Takahashi, hands him down the crown amidst the protest of their constituents. Daisuke says the former crown prince is ready and Shoma begs to disagree, but he's in no position to do so.

Daisuke himself became king at a young age, even if it's not as young as Shoma. After the sudden death of his father, Daisuke took the crown at the age of thirty. Most say that he wasn't ready, and Daisuke agrees. But the royal advisers do not want to temporarily hand off the crown to someone who is not of pure blood. They insist that as then crown prince, Daisuke was ready. Hesitantly, he took on the crown.

His wife gave birth to their first child when he was thirty-five. Shoma was a beautiful boy with eyes full of childlike wonder and amazement at everything. Daisuke was almost hesitant to bore him the news that he is to be the crown prince, but he took it in a stride. He will never tell him, but Daisuke is proud of Shoma.

Two years later, Mai came into the world after Daisuke's wife died. She died in childbirth, and Daisuke grieved over her. But he has two children to take care, and a country to rule. There were almost no room for emotions.

Daisuke handed Shoma the crown, in full belief that he was ready. Shoma took it, accepting that sooner or later it would still happen, he would still be king.

They may not have the average father-son relationship, but Shoma understands his father. He understands that Daisuke sacrificed a lot for the country, and it was his turn to do so.

Over the course of three years, Shoma had grown fond over Alina. Even only at nineteen, she developed into a smart and mature princess, now a queen. The people adore her, children flock to her. She's a crowd favorite when it comes to public appearances, and sometimes Shoma doesn't need to make an appearance himself, Alina's radiant presence is enough. Shoma adored Alina like the second sister that he never had.

The secret stayed between them, no one knew that they only married for Russia's pride, and for Shoma to fulfill society's wish of being enough for crown. The Russian royal family was ecstatic, expecting that they would be able to get a royal child. They didn't expect for Alina's sickness to creep up to her so fast.

In her deathbed, Alina weakly lies down, lips pale and chapped. Shoma's heart ached for her, sad to see her so weak when she was like a radiant sunshine that made everyone's day better just with her smile. She's still too young.

She reaches out for his hand, and Shoma holds hers with a tight-lipped smile. She weakly smiles at him, breathing slowly. True to her words, no medication can help, everything was useless. All they can do is to wait for the inevitable.

“Shoma,” she whispers, too weak to raise her voice. Shoma strains in to listen. “I want you to be happy.”

He nods, and pats her hand with his other to give comfort. “I am, I'm happy. You're like the second sister that I never had. Mai was so jealous at times.” They chuckled softly at his words, laughter that turned into hacking coughs for Alina. Shoma's eyes widen in panic and before he can call for a doctor, she pulls him in with a tight grip on his hand.

“I'm forever thankful for you Shoma.” She says, eyes struggling to stay open, grip slowly loosening. Shoma can already see the end. “You helped me achieve something for my kingdom. Even if there was no child, and no romantic love, I'm still grateful for you, you sacrificed so much to help me, to please your own country. Not everyone will be pleased, but believe me, we already did them proud, I hope you know that.”

Shoma nods, gripping her hand in his when he feels her hold loosening more as the minutes pass by.

“When I die, I want you to be happy. Look for Yuzuru, find your happiness with him. We can't always please the people. Be selfish for once, find happiness for yourself too.”

He feels his breath get stuck in his throat, eyes wide in surprise at her words. Alina only shakes her head as she flashes him another weak smile.

“I've known all along. I can see it in your eyes. The way you look at him, the way he looks at you. There's love pouring out of your eyes whenever you look at each other, and all I can hope for is for me to find a love like that in my next life.”

Shoma laughs at her words, tears falling out of his eyes. Embarrassed, but grateful that Alina understood.

“I know you still love him after all of these years.” She whispers. Shoma nods, truthful. “Please find him, find your happiness.”

Alina died in Shoma's arms, and he grieved for a wonderful girl with a wonderful heart. She was just someone who just wanted to make her kingdom proud, someone who understood everything with the pureness of her heart. She was too young, but death already took her away from this lifetime.

 

//

 

Happiness isn't concrete, it varies from person to person. To Daisuke, happiness is knowing that he did a job well done for the kingdom. To Nathan, happiness is seeing Mai smile. To Mai, happiness is having Nathan by her side. To Alina, happiness is being able to serve her country well.

To Shoma, happiness is seeing the people that he love smile and be happy with their lives.

At the moment, Shoma is happy watching Nathan and Mai enjoy each other's presence in each other's arms. They're full of love, and Shoma couldn't be anymore happier for them. They deserved each other, and every day that they have is spent in loving the other even more. Shoma doesn't need to hear their proclamations of love to know that what they have is real. Nathan and Mai spent time to get to know one another, to understand each other, and to give their whole heart for the other to love.

Shoma is almost jealous, but he knows that love for him will come.

Yuzuru is still in the forefront of Shoma's heart. He was always there, digging a special place for himself in the crevices of Shoma's heart and soul. His love for Yuzuru never changed, and Shoma even dare to say that it had grown stronger.

In the years that went by, Shoma realizes that maybe the things that happened was necessary for him to understand himself better, for him to understand the differences of the love that he has for his country, and for Yuzuru. Japan is like his family, the one that trusted him to take care of them, to continue on their traditions no matter how hard it was. They say that when your mind say yes, your family is the one who grounds you to do what is beneficial for everyone instead, making you see that it's beneficial for you too, even if you refuse to see it.

But Yuzuru is Shoma's heart and soul. The one he comes home to, the one he finds solace in. The only one who can give him true happiness, the only one that Shoma can fully entrust his whole life and his whole heart with.

Shoma realizes that ultimately, they needed time. Time to understand themselves, one another, and their love for each other. Time will come that Yuzuru will find his way back to him and until then, Shoma will wait for him.

 

//

 

Shoma likes to believe that he doesn't count how many years have gone by, believes that he just allows the present to pass, giving no stress to the past or the future. But he knows that it's a lie, because he has counted. It has been four years since he became king, three years since Alina has died, and seven years since he last saw Yuzuru.

The people has painted him as a lonely king, alone at the throne with no wife and no child. He doesn't pay them any attention, he is happy with what he has at the moment.

Overlooking the balcony, Shoma scans the palace gardens, breathing in deeply to relax his body. The balcony became his special place, his secret hideout when he wants to relax and free his mind from all the stresses that he encounters from time to time. Shoma finds solace in staying at the balcony, happy enough to reminisce the kiss that he shared with Yuzuru at the very place where he was standing.

He didn't ask, but it was only after Alina had died when Keiji revealed why Yuzuru had left. For Yuzuru it wasn't to spare himself for the heartache, it was to spare Shoma the hard time in having to choose between him, or Japan. He requested to be reassigned to a distant relative of the royal family at another country for an indefinite time. The first six months was a trial, the next was when he had left for an indefinite amount of time.

When Shoma asked Keiji why he had told him, the royal assistant to the king, now his assistant, just smiled. Keiji sees and knows everything, and he understands. “You deserved to know that it was for you.”

Yuzuru had always been selfless, always giving himself up to others, prioritizing others over himself. It was just one of the many traits that made Shoma love him, but it was also the trait that pulled them away from one another.

But Shoma understands. Yuzuru may think that leaving the palace would only benefit Shoma, but Yuzuru doesn't know that it will also benefit himself as well.

They needed time to grow into themselves, and to understand the extent of their love for one another. Shoma knows this, understands this, and embraces it with all of his heart. Their time apart made Shoma realize that no matter the distance, no matter the time apart, no matter how many obstacles will be thrown in his way, his love will Yuzuru will never change.

He closes his eyes, and breathes in deeply the relaxing air of the night.

Shoma opens his eyes, and smiles. Yuzuru's smile greets him in sight. “You know, you're not as quiet as you think you may be.”

Laughter fills in the air. It looks like another one of Shoma's dream, it's too good to be real. But when Yuzuru surges forward to wrap his arms around him, Shoma knows that it's real.

Yuzuru is back.

At the realization, tears started to prick Shoma's eyes as he wraps his arms around Yuzuru's back. “Idiot.” He whispers, burying his face against Yuzuru's neck, breathing him in. “You're an idiot.”

He feels Yuzuru move to place a kiss on top of his head, without loosening his hold around him. “Yeah I know.”

Shoma moves away at an arm's distance, aware that there are tears already falling down his face. “Seven years.” He says, as he brings his hands up to repeatedly hit Yuzuru on the chest. “You're an idiot for going away for seven years.”

With tears in his eyes, Yuzuru smiles at Shoma's actions, catching his wrists to bring him closer again in a tight hug. “I'm sorry I made you wait that long.” He whispers, feeling his dress shirt getting damp with Shoma's tears, he doesn't mind.

Shoma has waited for seven years, and for fate to give Yuzuru back to him is a dream come true.

“I waited.” Shoma says, when his tears have considerably quieted down. “I waited for you to come back.”

“Yes you did.” Yuzuru whispers, as he pulls away to wipe the tears away from Shoma's face. “And I'm thankful. I'm so thankful Shoma. You did well, so, so well. I'm so proud of you.”

They share watery smiles, Shoma closing his eyes as Yuzuru places a soft kiss on his forehead, on his cheek, then an even softer kiss on his lips. It was more of a peck, but it was enough to ease their hearts that the moment is real, they're back in each other's arms.

“Do you still love me?” Shoma asks, whispers onto Yuzuru's neck. Yuzuru smiles, before placing another kiss onto Shoma's temple.

“I never stopped loving you.”

Circumstances pulled them away, distance kept them apart, but time away from each other made them realize that the love that they have for one another is real. And now fate brought them back together, and fate will never bring them apart ever again.

“I won't be leaving you again. I'm here to stay.”

 

//

 

_King Shoma Uno Says That He Won't Remarry Anymore_

_By JapanTimes_

_Posted 17:00_

 

_Seven years after the death of Queen Alina Zagitova, King Shoma Uno declares that he has no more desire to remarry._

_At an open press conference held at the palace media center for the engagement party of Princess Mai Mihara and Sir Nathan Chen, His Highness King Uno answers the question when asked by the press if he has a desire to remarry after the marriage of Princess Mihara is done._

_“No.” His Highness answers straightforwardly. “I don't have any desire.”_

_What about children? Who will follow after the king?_

_King Uno laughs wholeheartedly at this, earning the laughs of the other media people as well. “As I have no more plans to remarry, of course there will be no way for me to have a child.” The king cheekily answers at the surprise of the press people. “That will be the problem of my sister. If ever Princess Mai and Sir Nathan does have a child, we will let the child decide if they want the crown.”_

_The comment earned mixed reactions from the people present at the press conference, from supporting messages on how the king is slowly breaking away from tradition to negative messages stating that the king is breaking the kingdom apart._

_“Everyone deserves happiness.” King Uno explains. “The child deserves to decide for themselves if they want to take on the crown as the next king or queen.” He says._

_When asked if he's happy with his current life and on how things are going on with Japan's booming economy?_

_“Of course I am happy.” The king says with a good hearted laugh. “There will be continuous up and downs, but the economy is booming, international relations are mostly at peace, satisfaction rates between our constituents are near the hundred percent, so I must say that our kingdom may not be perfect, but we are thriving. And as long as the people around me are happy, then I am too.”_

_Long live King Shoma Uno of Japan!_


	3. Chapter 3

 

In her twenty eight years of existence, Mai has never seen her brother be at his happiest. He always made sure to control his emotions, and the only time that she saw him go out of control was when Yuzuru had left him behind.

Mai almost hated Yuzuru back then.

Even if Shoma had explained it to her, Mai would never admit that a little bit of hatred had formed inside of her when she saw how distraught Shoma was because of Yuzuru. It made her question how she knew Yuzuru, if he could truly be trusted, if he truly did loved her brother. How can he leave him just like that if they loved each other? Mai believes that at least an explanation would be appropriate.

But she swallowed her anger and comforted her brother. If Shoma trusted Yuzuru, then so will Mai.

She stood by Shoma's side for the many years when Yuzuru wasn't present, during the times before Alina died, and even after when people started to doubt his capabilities just because he's ruling the country without a queen. Mai made sure that Shoma would stay intact, would stay sane. It was the least that she could do for her brother after the many years that he stayed by her side whenever she needed him to.

Shoma is a wonderful brother, and even a more wonderful king. He kept all societal traditions in line, only interjecting when he sees that it will not do good for the future of the kingdom. He pleases their international counterparts, sealing treaties that aren't only beneficial for one party. He understands their constituents, adjusting rules and regulations for their comfort without sacrificing law and order.

He may be young, but Mai believes that Shoma is one of the best kings already.

Shoma sacrificed a lot for their kingdom, and one of them is his time of happiness with Yuzuru. So having him back in his life is a gift of fate to Shoma, and Mai believes that he truly deserves this happiness.

“What are you thinking about so deeply?” Nathan murmurs at her ear, as he wraps his arms tight around her from behind. She smiles at his embrace, placing her hands on top of his. Together, they stare at Yuzuru and Shoma who's talking in quiet tones, sharing smiles with each other, hands tightly intertwined together.

“Hmm, nothing much. Just, on how happy Shoma is now that Yuzuru is back.”

Nathan smiles at her answer, before placing a kiss on her cheek. “Yeah it's been so long, and yet they still found their way back to each other.”

Love is a magical thing, Mai thinks. As long as the love shared is genuine, fate will find ways to bring two people together. Just like her and Nathan, and Shoma and Yuzuru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit I'm not satisfied with this one? I initially wanted to write a romance/fluff fanfic for yuzusho but when I started planning for this I consulted a friend on how to make them end up together, but realistically. So it ended up like this I'm sorry asdfghgfdsdfghj. Halfway through I was screaming to myself "AAAAAHHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING???" lmao I almost gave up. 
> 
> I'm far from satisfied with this one, but comments are highly appreciated! Thanks!


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